Golf Jokes » ReligionJesus & Tiger Woods
Jesus
and Tiger Woods were playing golf. It's Arnold's turn to tee off,
and he does so on a long par five. It's a great drive straight up
the fairway, and he's about a seven iron off the green. "Not bad,"
Jesus says. Jesus then steps up to tee off, and He too hits a great
shot, but it's not anywhere near as close as Wood's first shot.
Just as the ball comes to a stop, a gopher pops out of its hole,
grabs Jesus' ball in its mouth and starts to run up the fairway.
Before it can get even twenty feet yards, an eagle swoops down out
of the heavens and grabs the gopher in its mouth and flies off towards
the green. Just as the ball, eagle, and gopher get above the hole,
a lightning bolt strikes out of a cloudless sky and vaporizes both
the eagle and the gopher. The ball drops straight down into the
hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus looks up and says, "Dad! Please! I'd rather do it myself!
Heaven or Hell
There
was a good man named Bill who died and appeared before St. Peter
at the Holy Gates. St. Peter checks out his books and discovers
that there is a problem. He says that there is no clear answer in
the books on where the man is supposed to go, Heaven or Hell. He
suggests that the man should go to Hell and check it out, so that
he may make the decision himself. If he didn't like what he saw
there, he could come back to Heaven.
Well, this man had only one true vice while he was alive. It seems
he had an uncontrollable desire to play golf at any opportunity.
He had traveled the world playing all the famous golf courses. When
the man arrived in Hell, Satan welcomed him, but he too was surprised
at the man's situation. He had assumed that since the question about
the man's ultimate destination wasn't clear, the man would go to
Heaven.
Behind Satan, Bill could see the most beautiful golf course ever
built. It had beautiful trees, blue ponds, water separating the
fairways, and almost everything in a golf course a golfer could
ever wish for in life. Bill fell in love with at first site, and
he couldn't control himself. He just had to play a round. The devil
showed him a solid gold electric golf cart, a perfect leather bag--
soft and supple yet strong like iron, and a brand new set of Big
Bertha clubs. Satan reached into his pocket and presented the man
with a Golden Tee. The devil then said that only members could play.
The man couldn't control himself. He just had to play there.
Bill returns to Heaven and tells St. Peter that he has decided to
stay in Hell so he could play on the Beautiful Golf Course there.
When the man returns to Hell, he approaches Satan and asks for a
tee time. The devil says that anytime at all, the man could play.
No one else uses the course. Chuckling with glee, the man approaches
the first tee. He gets out of his beautiful golf cart, reaches for
his perfectly matched clubs and selects his driver. He then reaches
into his pants pocket and pulls out his Golden Tee, then frantically
searches everywhere for a ball. Satan comes up and the Bill asks
him for a ball.
"That's
the Hell of it," says Satan.
Golf on a Sunday
It
seems there was this priest who just loved to play golf, but he
had been very busy for many months and had not been able to get
away to go golfing. Well, one Sunday morning he woke up and felt
he just HAD to go golfing. The weather was just beautiful.
He called up the Bishop and claimed he had a really bad case of
laryngitis and couldn't preach, so the Bishop told him to rest for
several days. He then got out his clubs and headed off for the golf
course.
He set up at the first hole, making sure no one was there to see
him playing hooky, and blasted the ball with his wood. It was a
beautiful shot! It went straight and true. It bounced, and bounced
(right up onto the green) and rolled its way closer... and closer...
a hole-in-one! The priest jumped up and down in his excitement,
praising the Lord and shouting hallelujahs!
He struts off to the green, collects his ball, and tees off at the
second hole, repeating his performance on the first hole, much to
his astounded delight.
All this time St. Peter and God have been watching him from the
gates of heaven. St. Peter has finally seen enough to pique his
curiosity. "Lord," he says, "this priest seems to be a real trouble
maker. He ignored his congregation and even lied to go golfing.
Now you reward him with a hole-in-one! Why?"
God smiles, looks over at St. Peter, and says, "I'm punishing him."
St. Peter looks very confused and asks God for an explanation. God
replies, "Well, after he finishes his game by himself, who can he
tell his story to?"
Missed !
One
pleasant afternoon, a Priest and a Nun were out golfing. The father
deferred to the Nun on the first hole, and she hit a nice ball towards
the green. The Father tees up, then smacks the ball into the woods.
"Damn
it! #$*^&%$#%^@$# %#&^%&!$, I MISSED!" he cries.
"Father!"
says the Nun, "You should watch your language. The Lord will not
like it."
The second hole comes up. The father tees off, and the ball once
again goes sailing into the woods.
"Damn
it! #$*^&^%$#%^@$#, I MISSED!" he cries.
"Father!"
says the Nun, "Watch what you say! It is Blasphemy!"
On the third hole, the father again tees up his ball. Once again,
the ball sails wide, this time landing in the water hazard.
"Damn
it! #$*^&^%$#%^@$#, I MISSED!" he cries.
As the Nun starts to speak, a great bolt of lightning sails down
from the sky and strikes the Nun, reducing her to ash.
From the sky comes a booming voice: "Damn it! #$*^&^%$#%^@$#,
I MISSED!"
Advice from above
A
keen but unskilled golfer plays the same course every week, and
has particular trouble with the water trap on the 14th hole, losing
a ball in it every time he plays that hole. One round he decides
that this process is too expensive and decides to use an old cut-up
ball instead of a good ball. He opens his bag and gets the old ball,
tees it up and addresses it. Just as he commences his back-swing
a mighty voice comes from on high:
"USE
THE NEW BALL..."
Figuring any advice from such a source should be worth following
he picks up the old ball and tees up the new one again. He starts
his back-swing but once again is interrupted by a voice from the
sky:
"TAKE
A PRACTICE SWING..."
The man steps away from the ball and rehearses his swing. Just as
he steps forward to readdress the ball, the voice speaks again:
"USE
THE OLD BALL."
The Leprechaun
A
golfer hooks his drive into the woods to the left of the fairway.
While looking for his ball he happens upon a leprechaun. The leprechaun
asks him, "How's your round of golf is going?". The golfer admits,
"I'm having one of my worst rounds ever. "The leprechaun zaps the
golfer with a magic spell. The leprechaun then asks, "How's your
sex life doing?" The golfer replies, "In all honesty, I haven't
had any in years." So, the leprechaun zaps him with another spell.
The golfer goes on to have his best round ever.
Two months later the golfer is playing the same course. He checks
to see if the leprechaun is still around. Sure enough, he spots
him in the woods. The leprechaun asks, "How's how has your golf
been lately? "The golfer responds with pride, "I'm playing the best
golf of my life." The leprechaun then asks, "How's your sex life
doing?" The golfer replies happily, "I've been getting some almost
every other week." The leprechaun seemed dismayed and said, "Boy,
I would have thought you would be doing much better than that."
The golfer replied, "Well for a priest, from a small town, with
no car, every other week isn't so bad."
Jesus & Moses playing golf
Jesus
and Moses are playing golf. On the 5th hole, a shot over water to
an island green, Moses hits his 6-iron and it lands perfectly on
the green. Jesus takes out his 7-iron and begins tee-ing it up.
Moses says: "The 7 isn't enough club. It'll go in the water"
Jesus replies: "If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it."
He swings the 7-iron and sure enough, straight in the drink. He
tees up a second ball and grabs his 7-iron again. Again Moses reminds
him of his previous attempt and Jesus says, "If Tiger Woods can
do it, I can do it." "PLOP" in the water, it goes again. He continues
this until he has hit all his golf balls into the water. At this
point, he begins walking out on the water looking down to locate
his lost golf balls. The foursome behind them approaches the tee,
spots Jesus out on the lake and says to Moses, "Hey, who does that
guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"
Moses replies, "No, Tiger Woods."
Jesus, God & Moses playing golf
Jesus,
Moses and God were out playing golf one day. Jesus teed off first,
and the ball flew straight over the fairway, landed in the green
and rolled to within a couple feet of the hole. Moses hit second,
and his ball also soared and landed close to the hole. Both looked
over at God.
God took a few practice swings, then let loose on his ball. The
ball flew off into the rough. Just then, a squirrel jumped over,
grabbed the ball in his mouth and started running across the fairway.
An eagle swooped down and grabbed the squirrel in its claws, but
before it could get too far, a bolt of lightning struck the bird.
The ball fell and a sudden gust of wind dropped it directly into
the hole.
Jesus glared at God and said: "Hey, are you here to play golf or
just screw around?" o
the recently deceased, "you did lead an exemplary life on earth--but
there is one instance of your taking the name of The Lord in vain.
Would you care to tell us about it?"
"I
recall," replied the new applicant, "it was in 1965 on the last
hole at Pinehurst. I only needed a par four to break 70 for the
first time in my life." "Was
your drive good?" asked St. Peter, with increasing interest. "Right
down the middle. But when I got to my ball, it was plugged deep
in a wet rut made by a drunk's golf cart." "Oh
dear," said St. Peter, "A real sucker! Is that when you..." "No.
I'm pretty good with a 3-iron. I played the ball close to my feet,
caught the sweet spot and moved it right onto the green. But it
bounced on a twig or something--it was a very windy day--and slid
off the apron right under the steepest lip of the trap." "What
a pity!" said St. Peter consolingly, "Then that must have been when..."
"No. I gritted my teeth, dug in with and open stance, swung a smooth
outside arc, and backspun a bucket's worth of sand up onto the green.
When everything settled down, there was my ball, only ten inches
off into the cup." "JESUS
CHRIST!" shrieked St. Peter, "Don't tell me you choked the putt!"
Cardinal Nicklaus The Pope met with the Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, leader of the Jewish nation. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed as he had never held a golf club in his life. "Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "We'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres....we can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honoured and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus. "Second!?" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres!!??" "No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Palmer." You mean golf ?
The
devil was holding a meeting with all the little demons. He stood
up and said, "Well you poor useless lot of sissies, this guy Jesus
is putting to much good in the world, you time wasters, you make
me sick, you came to hell to make their life a misery; instead you
waste your time playing silly games, so what are you going to do
about it?"
Well, just then a small devil quite new to the job and very timid
sheepishly said, "O'lord of great darkness I know I'm not as powerful
as you but may I make a suggestion, it seems to me if we could build
them up and knock them down the pain would be so great we will soon
gain control."
Just as he said that a more experienced demon said "You mean golf?"
The devil himself interrupts saying, "Steady on old man, we don't
want to finish them off that quick." |